I went to church and several people wished me a Happy Mother’s Day, which means more than I can even express because as of April 29, 2011, I’m paper pregnant. A baby isn’t growing inside of my belly, but my heart is about to burst with love and anticipation for these children. Mother’s Day was filled with hope for the day when I see the faces of my children for the first time, but it was also a day of heartache and very messy emotions.
We had baby dedication at church this morning and it was during the part when one of our pastors read 1 Samuel 1:27 that I just lost it. Hearing the words that Hannah uttered to God “I prayed for this child and the Lord granted what I asked of him” brought gut wrenching emotion this morning.
I have prayed and prayed and prayed for my children. First it was that God would allow me to become pregnant. Then on my knees before the Lord, through tears, I let go of that dream and prayed for His will to be done. He has shown me very clearly what His will is – to travel across the ocean to become a family. He has taken away any desire I have to become pregnant and replaced it with a love for adoption, the orphan and my children in Africa. I believe that I can already thank God for hearing my prayers and giving me a child because I know that at this moment He is preparing the way for me to become a mom. He knows each and every detail of my children long before they are ever knit inside their mother’s womb.
They showed a video at church today that also caused the floodgates to open wide. They were asking children different questions like “Why do you love your mom?” “How are you and your mom alike?” “How are you and your mom different?”
It was one of the answers to that last question that hit me right in the heart. The little kid answered “I am brown and my mom is tan” and they showed a drawing of a dark brown baby and a white mama. Oh be still my heart! That will be me and my child someday. That’s the family portrait that God is painting and I can’t imagine it any other way.
Today as I sat aching to have my children in my arms, I realized that I never want to forget these gut wrenching emotions. I pray that when I do bring my kids home and I’m changing dirty diapers and wiping snotty noses that I never forget how desperately I wanted to be a mother. That I never forget the burning desire I had to have children; or the hole in my heart that I waited years for the Lord to fill in His perfect timing and in His perfect way. I pray that I will always take the time to think about the women on Mother’s Day who have empty arms, who desperately want children but can’t have them, or who are “paper pregnant” and are often times forgotten because so many people don’t celebrate the journey of adoption the same way they do 9-months of pregnancy.
Mother's Day Cards from some special people....