Grief is a part of adoption. Sometimes in the midst of all the excitement, (that our baby is due in 21 days) I forget that sadness is mixed within the excitement of our story. It's that way with all adoption stories.
I saw our birthmom on Sunday. Her spirits were high and she reassured me that she isn't having any doubts about her decision to give her baby up for adoption. She knows she can't take care of a baby and is up front with anyone who comments on her pregnancy- she tells them about John and I and that we're adopting the baby.
Even though I believe she is 100% sure of the decision she is making, I also know that at some point the emotion and reality is going to hit her full force. Her decision is hard. Sometimes it's gutwrenching for me to think that she has carried this child for nine months, felt him kick, is going to have him and then immediately hand him to John and I to raise. I don't know if I could do what she is doing - I admire her, she has courage and I will forever be gratful that she wanted better for her child and trusted John and I to provide that for him. That she is literally giving us the gift of becoming parents.
As I drove home on Sunday after seeing her, I cried. Grief flooded my heart. I have to be so careful not to get too wrapped up in my own excitment of becoming a mommy, that I forget the pain and loss that our birth mom will be experiencing.
I grieve because even though God has written an amazing story - one that I will someday share with our son, there are parts that are hard to explain, parts that are sad. One day he will ask about his birth father and I won't have all the answers. We know very little and what we do know are hard topics to discuss with a child. But it's part of our story. It will be part of Jackson's story and we trust that God will equip us to handle those questions.
I remeber when John and I first started discussing adoption. The thought of domestic adoption scared us. We were afraid of having an open adoption. It's funny to remember all of those fears and to see how far God has brought us. The way God has weaved our lives with our birth mom's is beautiful. It's a story only He could write. He has replaced all of my fears with His peace and has made me realize that He has a purpose for our adoption being open. We have a chance to not only impact the life of this little boy, but to love, encourage and pour into the life of our birth mom.
On Saturday our birth mom called me to say she had bought Jackson a gift. She wanted to give him something that he could always keep. She told me that she bought something to keep him warm on the way home from the hospital.
She said she wasn't sure how to sign the card, so she just wrote Love, Alicia. I told her she could sign the card however she wanted. She said she didn't want to offend me because I am Jackson's mom. I told her that Jackson has two mom's and that no matter how she signs the card, it won't offend me. I'm not sure how she chose to sign the card, but she will always be Jackson's mother. Her picture sits on the table in his nursery. It's his story.....