Yesterday, with each baby and baby bump I saw - and I saw a lot of them at church - my heart ached for my own child - I thought to myself, God, why is it so easy for some people to become parents and so hard for us.
Most days my faith is strong and I truly believe the promises of God that are tucked in my heart- but occasionally I have a day like yesterday where I just want to pout and I get tired of waiting.
In the midst of my pity party I was reading a blog by another soon-to-be adoptive mama who has been waiting to bring her son home from Ethiopia but the courts have rejected the finalization of the adoption.
She writes "Now according to God's word, I should consider it pure joy when I face trials of many kinds, because the testing of my faith develops perseverance (James 1:2). I should greatly rejoice when I suffer grief in all kinds of trials, because my faith will be proved genuine through them, and my faith is worth more than gold (1 Peter 1:6-7). And because I'm a believer, a Christ-follower, I should know that all things work together for good for those that love God (Romans 8:28). Well this week I have received the divine chance to see if I really believe these words. Do I really have faith in those things that I read in God's word, even write down in my journal or highlight on the page? Is scripture just going into my head daily or is it penetrating into my heart?"
Here's the deal: it sucks waiting to become a mom - but I've said it before and I'll say it again - had I not gone through the things I have been facing since January 2010, I would not have experienced Jesus in the ways that I have. I would still be the same person - but thank the Lord that I'm not. Jesus has changed me, made me a little more like Him and I've had to depend on Him like I've never had to before - and really that's what this journey is all about.
Being on my knees before my savior. Trusting. My faith being put to the test. My character a reflection of His. Knowing from the deepest places of my soul that His way is perfect. Believing. There are children that at the right moment will become my children - it will not be too soon or a moment too late.
And I picture that moment in my mind a lot - when my child is finally placed in my arms and I choke back tears just imagining what that day will be like, a rush of excitement sweeps over me and I know that I will never take for granted the precious gift that God gives me - being a mother, having children. I will never take it for granted because I have longed for it, prayed for it and literally ached for the day I lay eyes on my child for the first time.
**remember how I said God was weaving together a pretty amazing story? I wish I could share the details but I can't just yet - but soon bloggy friends, really soon!