Monday, November 29, 2010

Warning: Just Needed to Vent and it's Messy....

This morning as I drove to work cheerful Christmas music blared from the radio. The words “It’s the hap, happiest time of the year” filled the air as tears gushed from my eyes. It was one of those ugly cries; the kind where you can’t stop the tears no matter how hard you try. And of course I had no Kleenex. I ended up wiping my tears (and my nose) with one of my gloves.

I love Christmas, I love Christmas music, but this is not the” hap happiest” time for me. It’s probably the saddest time of my life. Normally I pray during my morning drive but this morning I just couldn’t find the words or the strength to pray. I just cried. I find a lot of comfort knowing that God knows my heart. I had a friend tell me yesterday that I can be confident that God hears the cries of my heart. He DOES hear me even when it seems like there is nothing but silence.

To say I’ve been struggling lately would be an understatement. I’m sad – I’m grieving not being able to have a baby, I’m overwhelmed by the mounds of adoption paperwork stacked on my kitchen table, this weekend I got completely irritated with my husband because he fell asleep on the couch when we were supposed to go get our fingerprints.

There are so many things you can’t control when you’re adopting. Getting the paperwork done as quickly as possible is something I can control and I was so mad this weekend because I didn’t feel like it was a priority to John. I’m really surprised my husband hasn’t run away…..I will just be glad (and I’m sure John will be too) when all the paperwork is finished and turned in. I just want to get it all done and get on the wait list…..that’s the goal.

Another area that has been a struggle for me is work. I’ve never wanted a fancy career. For as long as I can remember I’ve had one dream – to be a mom. It’s really hard to go to work and sit at a desk for 8 hours a day when you’re grieving, when your mind is consumed with all the paperwork that you could be working on. It makes me angry that a car payment and student loan payment are what’s keeping me stuck at a desk all day. I rack my brain trying to think of a career that would bring me fulfillment and I can’t think of a single one. Sometimes I would give anything to be career driven, but it all comes back to the simple fact that I just want to be a mom. I wish times were simpler, the way they used to be. When it was okay for a woman to stay at home and be a wife and a mom and society didn’t turn its nose up at the idea. When one income was plenty. I would give anything for simpler.

It’s really hard to put into words how I feel. This desert season is lonely. I don’t know if anyone truly understands the emotional roller coaster I’m on. I almost picked up the phone this morning to call my dad – but I didn’t. How would I explain this to him? Sometimes I can’t even find the words I need to explain how I feel to John.

I get so frustrated with myself for feeling sad. I have such a strong faith and I know that God has a perfect plan, so I tell myself that I shouldn’t feel like this. If only it were that easy…..


  1. I get this. There are moments [like the past few weeks] where the ugly cry is a daily visitor. At our church we've been discussing the faith of Abraham - what a reminder to me to cling to the promises of God. EVEN WHEN the process seems so long. EVEN WHEN the wait seems forever. Praying for you.

  2. Jennifer... I get it. I get the ugly cry, the frustration, the sadness, the lonely feelings. I get it! You need that. You need to feel those things every now and then. I think going through what we are going through all happy and smiley would just be unrealistic! We are human and God knows our hurt. You can always call me! I know we just met, but I get it. I feel it. I live it too.
    It will be ok, and you and I will hold our sweet babies tight in our arms soon.
    I will pray for peace for you.
    P.S. the paperwork can feel overwhelming and John wont always do what you want him to do, but just remember that there is always next weekend and there's always other paperwork to be done! haha.

  3. It's OK to cry and it's OK to be mad. I'm sorry that things are so rough. I know what the ugly cry is like. The thing you should remember is that it's OK to cry. It's OK to be mad and frustrated and distraught. One time, when I was going through some really horrible things, I told my pastor that I was angry with God for giving me traumatic times when other people never had to face challenges like that. My pastor told me that God could handle it. He understood and He forgave me. He knew I was angry. He loved me anyway. It was good to hear that, even though I kind of already knew it. Praying for you guys.

  4. I would just say that every feeling you have is totally valid. It's hard to see the other side when you're on that side of things. I was exactly where you are just a few years ago. It's good to feel emotions - no matter what they might be. I'm glad you can vent and recognize how you're feeling! One of my friends told me that it's hard when you have "empty arms". That's probably how you're feeling now. I didn't want to be a career person either. I always wanted to have children. Always wanted to be a mom.

    I know the last thing you want to hear right now is that "it gets better". But it's true. It does get better. You WILL have a little sweet one to hold and love on. You will. It seems like it will never get here; but it will. I remember reading in a book one time that God has never withheld children from someone who's wanted them. It might not be the person's original plan - but it turns out even better than you could have imagined for yourself. I can say AMEN to that!

    Waiting is hard. Today won't be your last frustrating day. Even after you do have a child there will be frustrating days! :) BUT, it will get better. And you WILL have a sweet one at the end of this frustrating journey!

  5. I don't have anything profound and wonderful to add, but I want you to know that like I said earlier I am always here for you. Like Kathleen said...I get it too. I get the piles of paper work, the messy cry, the aching heart, the empty arms.

    God has brought us together to go through this journey together...not just the highs, but He brought us together to hold each other up during the valleys too. I can't wait until that day that He turns all of our mourning into dancing! :)

    Praying for you.