This morning as I drove to work cheerful Christmas music blared from the radio. The words “It’s the hap, happiest time of the year” filled the air as tears gushed from my eyes. It was one of those ugly cries; the kind where you can’t stop the tears no matter how hard you try. And of course I had no Kleenex. I ended up wiping my tears (and my nose) with one of my gloves.
I love Christmas, I love Christmas music, but this is not the” hap happiest” time for me. It’s probably the saddest time of my life. Normally I pray during my morning drive but this morning I just couldn’t find the words or the strength to pray. I just cried. I find a lot of comfort knowing that God knows my heart. I had a friend tell me yesterday that I can be confident that God hears the cries of my heart. He DOES hear me even when it seems like there is nothing but silence.
To say I’ve been struggling lately would be an understatement. I’m sad – I’m grieving not being able to have a baby, I’m overwhelmed by the mounds of adoption paperwork stacked on my kitchen table, this weekend I got completely irritated with my husband because he fell asleep on the couch when we were supposed to go get our fingerprints.
There are so many things you can’t control when you’re adopting. Getting the paperwork done as quickly as possible is something I can control and I was so mad this weekend because I didn’t feel like it was a priority to John. I’m really surprised my husband hasn’t run away…..I will just be glad (and I’m sure John will be too) when all the paperwork is finished and turned in. I just want to get it all done and get on the wait list…..that’s the goal.
Another area that has been a struggle for me is work. I’ve never wanted a fancy career. For as long as I can remember I’ve had one dream – to be a mom. It’s really hard to go to work and sit at a desk for 8 hours a day when you’re grieving, when your mind is consumed with all the paperwork that you could be working on. It makes me angry that a car payment and student loan payment are what’s keeping me stuck at a desk all day. I rack my brain trying to think of a career that would bring me fulfillment and I can’t think of a single one. Sometimes I would give anything to be career driven, but it all comes back to the simple fact that I just want to be a mom. I wish times were simpler, the way they used to be. When it was okay for a woman to stay at home and be a wife and a mom and society didn’t turn its nose up at the idea. When one income was plenty. I would give anything for simpler.
It’s really hard to put into words how I feel. This desert season is lonely. I don’t know if anyone truly understands the emotional roller coaster I’m on. I almost picked up the phone this morning to call my dad – but I didn’t. How would I explain this to him? Sometimes I can’t even find the words I need to explain how I feel to John.
I get so frustrated with myself for feeling sad. I have such a strong faith and I know that God has a perfect plan, so I tell myself that I shouldn’t feel like this. If only it were that easy…..