On Friday night, John and I were talking about how much it hurts sometimes to hear of so many couples we know who are expecting or who are having babies. Don't get me wrong...we are super happy for them, but because of what we are going through and our inability to conceive a child, it's painful. There are a lot of emotions involved....
John was telling me that until recently, the news of others having/expecting a baby, didn't really affect him the way it seemed to affect me (emotionally speaking).
But last week John received an e-mail from some friends of ours who have been married almost a year. The subject of the e-mail said "New Addition to the Family." John said he immediately got this ache on the inside as he thought that he was about to have to read of another friend getting pregnant quickly and easily. When he read the e-mail he realized that the "new addition" was a puppy.
He admitted to me that all these other people having babies, is finally starting to affect him emotionally.
Saturday morning we received a phone call from some friends of ours who have been struggling with some fertility issues like us. We have really been praying for them and asking God to bless them with another child because we know that's their hearts desire. Well they called Saturday to tell us that God had answered the many prayers that we have lifted up on their behalf - they were expecting.
I'm not going to lie or sugar-coat things....although I am SO happy for them and was reminded once again of God's faithfulness, I was also crushed!
I would like to say that I hit my knees and let God comfort me in my time of heartache or that I opened my Bible and rested on God's promises. I didn't! I bawled like a baby! I let it hurt, wallowed in it actually. I grieved. I grieved about all the health issues I'm having, I grieved the fact that I may not ever be able to conceive a child. I think I even cried because I want so badly to get on a plane to Ethiopia and meet that precious baby God has chosen for us, but we still have a long time before that happens. My heart's desire is to be a mom!
After a bunch of tears, I still didn't seek comfort from God. I went out and bought a new pair of shoes.
Retail Therapy...probably not the best way to handle my emotions.
On top of the emotions tied to wanting to be a mother, I'm also dealing with the emotions that come from the health issues I'm dealing with. I've been at an emotional low lately (thanks to jacked up hormones!)
This week, after doing some research, I realized that I had to get serious about this health problem. I couldn't just blow it off like it was no big deal, like some people have done. I realized that I needed to make some pretty big life changes for the sake of my health. I have a condition, that if not treated properly, could turn into bigger problems.
I started a 5:30 a.m. boot camp this week. Thanks to Stacia and Natalie for their encouragement, prayers and support! I have also cut down to one Dr Pepper a day. Those who know me, know that this is HUGE for me....(my body is so sore from the workouts and my head is pounding from lack of caffeine...)
I am humbly asking you to pray for me. I am really struggling in this desert place that I am in. I think I have let my pride keep me from being completely honest about just how hard this is for me.
Today at church we started a series on the life of King David. David was not a perfect man, but he exemplified major patience and trust in God's plan for his life. God promised David he would be king, but it took 25 years for David to inherit that promise. My Bible commentary says "through daily troubles David's faith grew and he discovered his God-given strengths...David had no idea how his faithfulness in daily living would play into God's bigger plan....and neither do we."
In our deserts, what would happen if instead of taking matters into our own hands, trying to do things in our own strength, we had patience and trust in God the way David did???
"But David (Jennifer) found strength in the Lord his (her) God." 1st Samuel 30:6
"As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him...It is God who arms me with strength and makes the way perfect." 2nd Samuel 22: 31,33