Jackson is sleeping in his bouncy seat, which means I should probably be sleeping. However, it's 11 p.m. and I just finished icing a cake WHILE bouncing him to sleep in his bouncy chair - man, I totally have this mommy thing down....NOT!
About a week ago I locked myself in the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. Major Mommy Meltdown Moment! I think I might have even contemplated how to run away. Blame it on the sleep deprivation, a really bad reaction to my T-Dap vaccine or a screaming baby.
The past 3 weeks have probably been the hardest weeks of my life. My mom warned me parenthood would be the hardest thing I would ever do. But, seriously! I knew I would loose sleep, I knew he would scream but I NEVER THOUGHT I would have thoughts like running away! (now I'm bouncing the bouncy seat as I blog...)
I have felt so guilty. After such a long wait to be a mom, I should not be feeling like this. I should be savoring every moment and shouldn't be taking anything for granted. But, that's just unrealistic. The nurse at the hospital even told me to not be surprised if I experience some baby blues the way any mom who gives birth does.
Thank goodness I am not the only one! Friends have said I am totally normal! One friend said she stood in the shower and contemplated divorce. Another said she had the crazy thought of sticking her baby in the oven, late one night when she was crazy from lack of sleep. Whew...thank you Jesus that I am not the only one!
Now don't get me wrong...there have been amazing, joyous moments since we brought Jackson home. I have cried tears of shear joy and admiration at all that God has done. However, I have to be real here...I have cried tears of sheer frustration and selfishness. I have had some major FAIL moments.
But thankfully Jesus covers me with his mercy and grace each and every day! Just when I need the strength and the will to go on, He gives it to me. Just look at some of the promises He has whispered to my heart the past few days....
"Being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that I might have great endurance and patience..." ~Colossians 1:11
I have been clinging to this verse. Repeating it to myself, especially late at night when I just want to go to sleep and Jackson's tummy hurts. I have been amazed at the strength that God has given me. I am one of those people who needs 8 hours of sleep. Before kids I was in bed by 9 or 9:30 each night. God has given me the ability to function on very little zzz's. It's really an answer to prayer!
Yesterday morning after I fed Jackson I was reading "Jesus Calling" and God gave me two verses to encourage me. It's funny, I used to really hate early mornings, but yesterday as I was sitting there, spending time in the stillness and quiet with God, I thought to myself - I could get used to this. These are the verses I wrote in my journal.
"...he gently leads those that have young." ~Isaiah 40:11
"God's hand will guide me..." ~Psalm 139:10
Oh how I need God to guide me, to lead me as I raise Jackson. I know I can't do life without Jesus, but I realize I REALLY can't do life as a mommy without Jesus. Need HIM desperately!
I know this blog probably sounds like I'm on the verge of an emotional breakdown - I am not. We have lots of good days, but a few not so good ones mixed in. The one thing I will not do is put on a happy face and pretend that being a new mom is just peaches and cream. I secretly loathe people who do that! Ugh! Because it's not all glitz and glamour. The thing I will do is be real. I will share the joys and the frustrations. I will share how Jesus is giving me just what I need each day to take care of the sweet baby boy He has entrusted to me.
(P.S. I finally finished this at 8:46 a.m. Jackson is sleeping in his bouncy seat and I am NOT having to bounce it. )