Thursday, March 31, 2011

Guess What? I'm Okay If I Never Get Pregnant!

I’ve wanted to write this blog for a while now, but bitterness and hurt feelings caused me to take a step back and wait. I knew I needed to talk to God about my hurt feelings before addressing this issue on the blog. However, I think it’s important to address this issue because it’s truly something that I have been struggling with and I know that other adoptive families have probably dealt with the same stuff.

It’s almost as if there’s a myth in the adoption world that once you start the adoption process you’re guaranteed to get pregnant. I don’t know how many times people have said “Now that you have started the process you know you’re going to end up pregnant.” Yes, it does happen. I know of two families that it has happened to recently but it doesn't ALWAYS happen.

There are certain people in my life who constantly bring up me becoming pregnant or having “my own” children. Hearing these remarks is like a big slap on the face. First of all it hurts my feelings. When people make comments like this, what I hear is “Adoption isn’t as good as having a biological child.”

Becoming a mother through adoption is already hard enough without people making comments that make you feel like they would be happier if you were having a baby the old-fashioned way.

God has made it very clear to John and me that we will have a family through adoption. I can honestly say that even if I could conceive a child, God has changed my heart and my desire is to adopt children. I have no desire to become pregnant. I know that is very hard for some people to understand, but it is where God has me and I have a complete peace about it. I spent many months grieving the fact that I would probably never carry a baby for 9 months. I have grieved, I have prayed and God has brought me to the place I am now. And I am super happy and at peace with the place that He has me.

I can hear many of you saying that God performs miracles and I could end up pregnant some day – you’re right I could. He CAN do anything, but He has taken away my desire to become pregnant and replaced that desire with the desire to become a mom through adoption. I could have easily gotten pregnant the good old-fashioned way, or spent a ton of money on fertility treatments, but God had another plan.

Following His plan will mean that I become a mother, but it’s also about so much more. God has completely changed me. This adoption has an eternal purpose that I can’t even grasp. I have already fallen in love with my children, although I have never seen their faces. I have witnessed God’s miracles and experienced His love for me in ways that I never have before.

To get pregnant right now would, in all honesty, be devestating. It would mean that we would have to put this adoption on hold and the thought of that breaks my heart. I would trust God and His plan if that were to happen, but I would still be sad because I can't even imagine our family without Ethiopian babes.

I understand that not everyone agrees with adoption, that not everyone grasps a woman who is okay with never experiencing pregnancy. You don’t have to agree with my choice or understand the path God has me on. But please consider how hurtful it can be when you make comments that make me feel as if you’re anything but excited about the adoption, because in your eyes it’s not the “right” way to become a mother.


  1. Great post! My husband and I struggled with infertility for a few years before starting our adoption journey - my feeling mirror much of what you said. Thank you.

  2. Hi there, I just found your blog and agree so much with what you are saying. We are adopting as well, and most of the time the comments are not congratulations at all, but more hopeful that we will now conceive since we have "relaxed" (since adoption is such a walk in the park!). Great post!

  3. Thanks for the encouragment girls! Molly - I have heard the "just relax" part too. It's a little more complex than that considering I have medical reasons for not being able to get pregnant :-)

  4. Thank you for posting this! It is hard for some people to understand that adoption wasn't our back up plan. Perhaps we had expereience that led us toward adoption, but God has given me such peace (and much enthusiasm) towards adopting all of our children! I'm so glad I'm not the only one that hears these things and feels this way!

  5. This post is absolutely amazing. I love it that your adoption is Plan A in your heart. God is so amazing like that! I relate to this in several ways. Although, I would never want to assume that I can relate with the pain you went through discovering you wouldn't carry your child. Please don't misunderstand me there. But after having two children, I think people will assume why don't we just get pregnant again? After all, it's WAY cheaper, easier, and faster! But that is simply not the desire of our heart. The Lord has removed all desire for us to have a "biological" child and replaced it with a yearning for our son on the other side of the world. Glory. I love it.
    And I love reading your blog! Thanks so much for sharing your heart and let us walk through this with you. I can't wait to meet you by the way!! : )

  6. Mrs. J -
    Thank you for the sweet comment and encouragment. I really appreciate it. I wasn't sure if this blog post would get good comments or just tick people off :-)
    I would love to meet you too! Can you guys come to our Dinner/Auction on April 16th? We would love to meet you and introduce you to other families who have either adopted or are in the process.

  7. LOVE this post sweet friend. God is writing the most incredible story for our families.

  8. Oh, goodness...I LOVED this post. The above Sarah is my dearest friend in the world, and we've talked about this a lot. My husband and I do have a biological child, but adoption was never Plan B for us, either. Although I cannot have any more children, but was blessed to have one biologically, we hear TONS of these same comments about pregnancy and not being a "good enough" choice. This really ministered to my heart today...thank you!!

  9. I am so proud of you. Love your honesty.

  10. Thank you so much for your post. While my husband I have biological children I have a strong heart desire to adopt. I have felt it in my heart since I was old enough to know what adoption was. My husband is so hesitant. God adopted us...we see the IS natural! It is OLD fashioned!!! Thank you again for putting this on your blog.