Warning: This post might rub some people the wrong way but I am not going to apologize for being real and honest and for sharing my heart. If you get offended or think I'm crazy talking about Jesus and how He is shaking me up, you should probably just stop reading.....
I'm in a holding pattern. Stuck in a spot I don't really like (all because I have to pay the bills)but not quite sure what it is God wants me to do right now (although I feel like He's asking me to stop being so dependent on my $32,000 salary).
Simply put, I'm very discouraged about my job. It's a job that I thought I would be passionate about, I thought it would be a great fit and I'm just plain miserable. Sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day makes we want to crawl out of my skin. I'm tired of crying in my car during my lunch breaks.
I get so frustrated with myself because I can't seem to find a job/career that I am passionate about - a job that I love going to everyday. I have wracked my brain trying to think of a career that would bring me great joy, then I remember that my heart's desire is to be a mom. I would much rather wipe snotty noses and clean toilets than have a big, fancy career.
I know I should be thankful for my job. I tell God all the time that I am fully aware of my crappy attitude. I know I'm not supposed to complain and that I'm supposed to be thankful in all situations. Thankfully God understands that I am an imperfect human.
God is changing me. He's up to something (although I can't exactly put it into words) and I am biting at the bit to figure out what it is He wants me to do.
When you've been consumed by Jesus and He's rocked you to the core, it's really hard to share what you're experiencing with others - especially people who do not have an intimate and personal relationship with Jesus. They just look at you like you're crazy....and guess what? I am crazy. Crazy in love with Jesus and desperately wanting to live my life for Him.
I can't even find the words yet to explain the transformation that God is taking me through. Let me try to give you some examples. I am the girl who used to worry about money until my stomach hurt. Now I want to quit my job, go into some sort of ministry and trust that God's going to work it all out. I am the girl who had $15,000 in credit card debt several years ago and now I would be willing to move into a smaller house and get rid of material stuff so that I can have more of Jesus. God is truly turning my world upside down.
I know many people have walked away from jobs to follow Jesus. I know people have sold their house, moved into something smaller and broke free from the bondage of a high paying job to follow Jesus - oh how I want to do that some days! But then I think - there's got to be a fine line between stepping out in faith and just being a complete moron. Because unfortunately I do have a car payment and student loans to pay.
I understand that not everyone gets this crazy talk! But I also know that there are many people who do.
When you are about to adopt a child from a country that lives on less than $2 a day your idea of what really matters changes pretty drastically.
God tells us in His word that living for Him won't be easy. He tells us that other people will think we are crazy when we pick up our cross and follow Him....in very small ways, I've experienced the weird looks and lack of understanding from others. Many of our family and friends looked at us like we were crazy for "giving up" on having biological children, for adopting a baby that's not white, for fundraising to afford the adoption.
It hurts when you see friends and family over the holidays and they don't even ask about your adoption - I guarantee you if I was pregnant they would be asking all kinds of questions and they would want to rub my belly.
The reason it hurts so much is because John and I are about to burst at the seams with excitement over this adoption. We can barely keep our mouths shut because we want to share the amazing things that God's doing. We want to talk about this baby. Talking about the baby makes it a little easier when we know we still have a long time to wait.
It hurts that not everyone's heart melts at the thought of a baby whom God has predestined to be a part of our family even though 8,338 miles separate us.
It hurts that we sometimes have to watch what we say because we see the blank stares on peoples faces who just don't get it. Who just don't see adoption as being as big of a deal as being pregnant.
Sometimes the only comfort I have is knowing that despite the reaction's and support of others, John and I are being obedient. God has called us to adopt from Ethiopia and that is what we are doing.
I pray that whatever it is God is calling me to do regarding my job/career I will once again be obedient - despite what other people may think.