I never wanted to write a book. Well, I take that back. I've envisioned myself writing children's books, but never a 60,000 word best-seller. I do short. Newspaper articles, blog posts, you get the picture?
I have always been good at expressing myself through writing. When I was about 9-years-old, I wrote a poem that was read at my grandfather's funeral. I later wrote an essay about him that was published in my middle school's writing publication. I have kept journals for years and I swear I will pay someone to burn those things after I die. Nobody needs to read the drama-filled journals from my earlier years.
I also love getting lost in a good story. You know the kind, that when it ends, you just want to cry. I'd give anything to spend a few days with my nose stuck in one of those books, but I don't have the luxury of kicking back with a good book these days. I currently have 2, I've barely gotten to the good stuff, books started on my iPad and who knows when I'll get around to finishing them. After all, I have a book to write. 60,000 words daunting me, looming over my head, making me a bit crazy.
Yes, I have a book to write. God has given me a story that I can't just write in a journal, pack in a box and bury in the back of my closet.
Our adoption journey is a story that only God could orchestrate and I am still humbled that He chose me to play one of the main characters.
I can't NOT share it. What if one person reads our story and it encourages them at a time when they are in the pits of infertility hell? What if someone who doesn't know the amazing love of Christ, reads our story and is changed forever? What if, because of our story, more people become educated about the need for families to adopt African American and biracial children in the United States?
Writing 60,000 words scares me. I feel inadequate. The devil is already having a party, as he tries to plant seeds of doubt and keep me from doing what God has called me to do.
I might go as far as to say that this journey is scarier for me than answering God's call to adopt.
Bringing home a child. Keeping that child alive. Writing 60,000 words. Can they really even be compared? Maybe not, but I'm just being honest.
When we stepped out in faith to adopt, we had no idea how we would come up with the money we needed - God provided every penny.
He will provide every word for this book proposal and manuscript.
He will provide me with a platform. That's another detail that's getting my anxiety levels elevated. And if my platform isn't as great as I think it should be (or non-existent for that matter) God can still move mountains and get this book published.
The Bible study I am currently doing is on Nehemiah. He prayed for 4 months before asking the king if he could return to Jerusalem to rebuild the wall. He also never forgot that his success was not because of his own strength, but because the hand of God was upon him.
I have exactly 36 days to finish my book proposal, before I board a plane to North Carolina to attend a writing conference that I have dreamed of attending for years!
It just happens that the wife of one of my husband's friends (who lives in Florida) will also be attending the conference. Small world. We have committed to being prayer partners as we prepare for the conference and all God is going to do. She shared a verse with me that we are praying over one another and it brings me great comfort.
Psalm 37:23 "If the Lord delights in a man's ways, He makes his steps firm."
Tonight as I was driving home, these words echoed from the Christian radio station. "Trust Him with your desires and see what He does."
That's what I'm doing. Trusting.